I was searching my e-mail for something and came across this story from the old ToplessRobot.com comedy and news blog. I don’t know if any of that is still discoverable online, so I thought I’d share it here, since I’m pretty proud of it. It was probably a Top Ten at one point, but I’ve only found seven of them, so here go the Top Seven Hats of Geekdom! (References may be dated.)
7. Jayne's Knit Cap, Firefly TV show
Firefly fans are a dedicated lot, and with a limited number of episodes, ships, collectibles and actor autographs to obsess over, every frame of the show's fourteen episodes and one movie gets equal scrutiny. So while some "Brown Coats" choose to wear the article of clothing that gave the fandom its name, and others sport any number of T-shirts with the show's omnipresent Chinese advertisements on them, when it comes to headgear, there is only one choice: Jayne's hat. Sent to Firefly's resident bad-ass (well, one of its several resident bad-asses) by his mother, the original hat was red, orange and yellow, but really, any knit hat will do, as long as it has earflaps, a pom-pom on top and negates any sense of cool you might be attempting to project. It only appeared for one episode, but that's 5% of the show, which practically makes it a cast member.
6. Indiana Jones's Fedora, Indiana Jones movies
The true measure of a hat's fame is what length the hat's owner would go to in order to retain ownership of said hat. And there is no hat so treasured as the hat of archaeologist Indiana Jones, by either its fictional owner or the legions of fans who now possess one. Given to a young Indy by a fortune hunter he crossed paths with, Dr. Jones has risked life and limb to keep it in his possession, whether it's retrieving it from behind a rapidly closing stone door or snatching it from the hands of a franchise-hungry Shia LaBeouf. Not that it falls off very often -- it usually stays on through extended action sequences, only leaving Indy's head when he is placed under a blood trance, or impaled by spikes. Plus, whenever he puts it on, it plays his theme music.
5. Dum-Dum Dugan's Derby, Marvel Comics
For a 100-year-old who fought in World War II, Dum Dum Dugan is pretty spry. He still works for SHIELD, he still has a luxuriant red mustache and he still rocks a derby like it's nobody's business. True, nobody seems to be able to explain why he's still walking around unassisted, but I'm going to chalk it up to the hat. Assuming that's the same hat he wore back in the Big One, that sucker is bulletproof, and back in the 1940s "bulletproof" meant "lined with solid steel." So in addition to being a circus strongman before he signed up to fight the Nazis, he's been walking around with a heavy-ass hat on his head for 70 years. Not only would that strengthen his neck muscles to a ridiculous degree, if he ever took it off he could probably jump over the sun.
4. The Eleventh Doctor's Fez, Doctor Who TV show
"I wear fezzes now. Fezzes are cool." With those words, spoken by the Eleventh Doctor (played by Matt Smith) in "The Big Bang," fezzes rocketed to the top of the "Most Popular Doctor Who Headgear" list, obliterating the previous top entry, the Fourth Doctor's floppy hat, which, to be fair, was already overshadowed by that Doctor's enormous scarf and/or hair. Since then, the fez has returned or been referenced several times, and while it was temporarily succeeded by a Stetson in one episode, the version of the Doctor who wore said Stetson was promptly shot. DO NOT MEZ WITH THE FEZ. IT WILL END BADLY FOR YOU.
3. Zatanna's Top Hat, DC Comics
The DC Comics sorceress Zatanna is by no means the first magic-user to wear a top hat. Hell, Mandrake the Magician was rocking the top hat back in the 1930s, and he still owned that look 50 years later, as a member of the Defenders of the Earth. But there is nothing quite like a beautiful, scantily clad woman in a top hat -- the top hat lets you know you're in for a classy affair, even if the invitation failed to mention pants. Granted, the Gentleman Ghost has been wearing one for much longer -- and more consistently -- but G.G. was also never in the Justice League. Plus, whoever decided to ditch the hat and switch Zatanna over to more standard superhero garb in the late 1970s should be brought to the present day in a time machine, fired, and sent back again.
2. 2. Finn’s Cowl, Adventure Time TV Show
If you haven't watched the ridiculously fun cartoon Adventure Time, you really should. It's like a more surreal and ridiculous "Mr. Peabody and Sherman," and it has singlehandedly revived the animal-ear hat. For a while, anime seemed to be doing a pretty good job of popularizing them on its own, but if you attended San Diego Comic-Con this year, you saw thousands of people wearing them, and parades of people walking up and down the streets in them, and they were all Adventure Time hats. Granted, that's because the Cartoon Network was handing them out for free, but just because something's free doesn't mean you're automatically going to wear it. You wear it because it's awesome.
1. 1. The Sorting Hat, Harry Potter books and movies
Of all the hats on this list, the Sorting Hat is the only one who talks, and the only one of them who could be described as having a job other than "dome protection." The Sorting Hat is the Head Sorter of Children at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, which is kind of like a guidance counselor, since it sends students down the paths that will shape them into the noble or evil adults they'll become. He's also the staff weaponer, storing bladed weapons within himself and distributing them to the children as needed. Is it any wonder he's the most popular talking hat in children's literature?
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