10 Greatest Films of ALL TIME NO SERIOUSLY

I promise you, I am NOT a film snob. Sure, I went to a school known for its film program, with a great film series, and I took several film classes, where I was shown some of the greatest movies from around the world. AND I later worked at a TV and movie website, where I was a film critic, telling people which films they should see and why. BUT the fact is that I am just a film lover, even more than a TV lover or a book lover. My tastes are pretty broad, but my first love will always be genre films: sci-fi and fantasy (not horror, usually), which is why my Top Ten includes a lot of those. Also, most are post-1985 -- I certainly enjoy "classics," like the Marx Brothers, Hitchcock, etc., but generally prefer newer films. This is in no particular order, and many are simply my favorites in a great director's entire body of work. So let's go! WARNING: You will most assuredly disagree.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

While I don't love EVERY John Hughes movie, I like a lot of them, and Ferris Bueller is the best of the best. I probably saw it too young, and wore it out on VHS. I envied Ferris' popularity and cute girlfriend, but identified more with Cameron Frye, the constantly put-upon best friend and second banana. Jennifer Grey's sister character reminded me of my own older sister, who was occasionally mad about me getting preferential treatment. The use of music, including the BOW-BOW song (which I will not look up the name of), the Star Wars theme, and of course "Danke Schoen/Twist and Shout" were genius, and the constant viewer-directed words of wisdom from Ferris were ones to live by. Plus, the city of Chicago is shown in great detail, making for a fun-filled visit if one were to re-enact the events of the movie's single day. 

The Avengers

I was a Marvel Comics fan growing up, and while I never really liked any of the media that it spawned (the FF movies, Tobey Maguire as Spider-Man, X-Men: The Animated Series), from the moment I heard they'd cast Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man, I was intrigued. Then they delivered. Iron Man was great. Captain America was great. Thor was okay. And Avengers... was awesome. Seeing the characters interact, showing their personalities when confronted with people on their level, was handled amazingly. Iron Man arriving on the scene playing AC/DC, Hawkeye (my new most favoritest character) shooting down a ship without looking, Black Widow taking out three Russians while tied to a chair, Hulk saying "I'm always angry" -- even Tony Stark saying "That man is playing Galaga" made me laugh. After that, the films kept going and going, each one a great watch (up to a point), and I could do a Top Ten of just Marvel movies, but Avengers 1 is still the gold standard. 

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

Very few movies I consider masterpieces. Most of the movies made by Edgar Wright are close. In another world, Hot Fuzz or Shaun of the Dead would be on this list. But the larger-than-life superheroics, extensive use of graphics and effects and the comedic performances by Michael Cera and the rest of the amazing cast make Scott Pilgrim a masterpiece. Chris Evans' self-centered actor character, Brandon Routh's hunky vegan, Kieran Culkin's flirty roommate, Alison Pill's sullen drummer, Alison Brie's femme fatale, Aubrey Plaza's judgmental sister, Jason Schwartzman's final boss... it's a hell of a cast. Plus Mary Elizabeth Winstead! And the random appearance by Thomas Jane as one of the Vegan Police is the icing on the cake. Full disclosure: I could not get into the comic (the art bothers me) and I do not play video games (luckily most of the video game jokes are pretty straightforward). So this movie succeeds IN SPITE OF MY IGNORANCE. I love it.

Watchmen

Adapting one of the greatest comics of all time -- not a tall order, right? And Zack Snyder is a director who certainly divides the population. AND YET! This movie takes a comic with tons of tiny little boxes (sometimes nine per page) and stretches them out in slow-mo to make every character look awesomely badass. Sure, the movie COULD have depicted all of the superheroes as pathetic fetishists, and maybe they still are, but as you see in the comics, they can still kick ass when it's called for, and this movie is full of ass-kicking. Add in top-notch special effects, including a character that glows constantly, a mask that shifts patterns constantly and a flying ship that looks like an owl, and you've got what may be a masterpiece. Sure, they changed the ending, but I'll be totally honest, the ending to the comic would be totally unbelievable outside of, well, comics. I have no problem with it. 

The Royal Tenenbaums

Wes Anderson is another director who produces masterpieces. Every tiny detail adds to the overall feeling that each movie is completely and utterly perfect. But some movies are more perfect than others, and Royal Tenenbaums is one of them. The cast is unbelievable, the costuming is quirky, the music is, as always, sublime -- Ramones, Velvet Underground, Rolling Stones... Little dialogue snippets have made their way into my daily use: "I see you, asshole!" "Wildcat was written in a kind of obsolete vernacular." "That cab has a dent in it." And did I mention the cast? Gwyneth Paltrow, Bill Murray, Ben Stiller, Luke Wilson, Danny Glover, Angelica Huston, Owen Wilson, all playing very sad, broken characters. And yet the use of regular flashbacks to their upbringing and traumas manages to be hilarious anyway. 

Pee-Wee's Big Adventure

Tim Burton has a style unlike any other. His Batman films, Edward Scissorhands, Beetlejuice... all are visual tour de forces, largely set in artificial worlds that transport you out of the real one. But Pee-Wee Herman, who lived in an artificial world on TV, is forced into the real world when his bike is stolen, and it's his childlike sense of humor paired with the people and locations he visits that makes it such a magical movie. Infinitely quotable, and yet with very few big-name actors in it, this is the perfect film that the sequel could not live up to. Plus, the distinctive soundtrack by the inimitable Danny Elfman is so rich that it could support an entirely silent version of the movie and it would be just as good. 

Tron: Legacy

I will admit that, beyond the visuals, I am not a fan of the original Tron movie. It's very slow and pretty dated. So this update is well-deserved. And what an update! Mind-blowing effects, Jeff Bridges, Olivia Wilde, Michael Sheen and another Jeff Bridges deliver, and even the new kid does pretty well. Plus, the soundtrack is by one of my favorite musical acts, Daft Punk! (Airhorn sound.) But seriously, the way they update the disc battles, the lightcycle battles, the costumes, everything makes this movie bigger than life. Seeing a critics' preview on an IMAX screen certainly helped, but even on a TV, it's a peek inside another world that deserves and is apparently going to get a sequel.

The Iron Giant

I almost cut this movie to put it on an animated movie Top Ten, but then I decided to leave it on this one, because it's just that good. The heartwarming story of a boy and his giant fricking robot could have been saccharine and cloying, but it has just enough edge to keep it in a world where adults can enjoy it. The lovable, childlike innocence of the giant makes him appealing, with just enough underlying menace to keep you on your toes, much like the background discussion of a potential nuclear war with Russia. Hogarth Hughes, his beatnik friend, his worried mom, the government agent who tracks him down, all are great characters, and the voice acting by Jennifer Aniston, Harry Connick Jr., Chris McDonald, Vin Diesel, John Mahoney, and M. Emmet Walsh make them believable. And the ending made me cry. There, I said it.

Gentlemen Broncos

Jared and Jerusha Hess made Napoleon Dynamite, and some would leave their contributions to cinema there, but they followed it up with a brilliant, hilarious movie that does not get enough recognition. Jemaine Clement is perfectly cast as the pretentious sci-fi author, who steals the story of a teenager and passes it off as his own, and Sam Rockwell is amazing as the character in that story -- in two different versions of the same story, no less. Plus Jennifer Coolidge is endearing as the enterprising mom. The low-budget effects and blatant homage to Krull give the movie more sci-fi/fantasy cred than it needs, and the directors' trademark awkward encounters, unusual set details and plain weird supporting characters are on full display.

Joe Vs. The Volcano

Yes, yes, Tom Hanks is a great actor. We all know this, but he doesn't get enough credit for his early comedic work, with most people preferring to worship him post-Philadelphia. Big is a great film, as are Volunteers and Turner and Hooch, but Joe vs. the Volcano is the best of them. HIs transition from working-class (albeit white collar) sad sack to international man of adventure is suitably epic, plus this is the first of his three pairings with Meg Ryan, who plays THREE ROLES in this movie. With a supporting cast of Lloyd Bridges, Dan Hedaya, Robert Stack and Abe Vigoda, this fanciful world is fleshed out impressively, and the running gag about his indestructible luggage never fails to delight. 

That's it! Hope you enjoyed it, or at least came away from it with some other movies to try out. What are your Top Ten? Comment below!

Back in Time: 1999

 

In 1999, I was a senior in college, and I was writing a humor column for my school newspaper. Most were about school-specific things, but one was about the weather. ...It's funnier than it sounds, in my opinion, so I'm posting it here. You can find the rest on my old Angelfire site, but I don't recommend it, as it seems to be under Russian control now.

Ice, Ice Baby (yes, that was the title)

Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I was born and raised in Connecticut. I also spent a few years in Rhode Island, but that isn't important right now. Actually, it wasn't important then, either. The whole state hasn't really done much since the war. (The Revolutionary War. They landed a massive force on Nantucket, I think.) The point is that Connecticut weather is nothing new to me. A period of snow followed by a period of hail followed by a period of rain followed by a high in the sixties has been going on since I was a kid. Probably even earlier than that, unless my birth coincided with a massive ecological disaster.

(May 16, 1977, 2:22 pm: A croquet court in Danbury.

"Excellent shot, old bean!"

"Thank you, old chap."

"I say - it's rather hot out again today! Would you like a lemonade?"

"Yes, thank you, I'd OH MY GOD! RUN! RUUUUNNNNN!"

At this point a hurricane materializes above them, sweeps them up, and deposits them in the air over a soft, fetid marsh. On their way down, however, the marsh becomes firm, arable farmland and they are killed on impact.)

Connecticut winters can be mellow some years, but for the most part they are cruel, unforgiving masters. My childhood memories are full of stories of terrible snowstorms. Unfortunately, my adult memories are full of more adult things, like credit card debts and what happened in the last issue of Captain America, so these childhood memories are either lost or have been removed by shadowy government agencies.

I do know that during the blizzard of 1977 my mom had to actually park on another street and walk to my house, primarily because no one has dared to plow my street since those two climbers were killed on its south face. ("It's not a driveway, it's a scream of stone," said my uncle, who lost both thumbs to "Ol' Fingersnatcher.") My mother had to trudge through a foot of snow carrying me in one arm, a bag of groceries in another arm, and my two-year old sister in the third arm, which she had grafted on after I was born for just such an occasion.

As much fun as the winters are in Connecticut, my family reluctantly bid a fond adieu in the summer of 1993 and moved to the Caribbean, where the beginning of winter is marked by an intense heat wave that generally leaves 15% of the population dead or extremely uncomfortable. We spent that Christmas on St. John, watching the egg nog evaporate, but the next year we did exactly what everyone else didn't and flew to Connecticut for the holidays. The minute I stepped off the plane, I felt the bone-chilling embrace of the land that I loved, and I knew then that I wouldn't be happy unless I spent the next four years in constant fear of losing a toe to frostbite.

Why Wesleyan, you might ask? Why not Brown, or Harvard, or another one of those big, interdependent ivy league schools? To tell you the truth, I wanted a bitter, frigid winter that only an urban environment like Middletown could offer me. Small towns like Boston and Providence - sure, they may have more TV shows filmed there, but they certainly don't offer the dangerous driving conditions that a city like Middletown can provide. The state of Alaska (State slogan: "Help us... please!") used to offer both dangerous driving conditions and the filming of TV shows, but "Northern Exposure" was canceled a few years ago and the use of sled dogs in the place of cars has led to fewer traffic accidents, if more maulings.

Earlier this winter, a friend of mine from Alaska restated his annual claim that winters in Connecticut were "wimpy" or "gutless" or something equally negative. He felt that Alaskan winters were superior in length, intensity and overall toll on human life. This morning he was found frozen in his bed, curled in the fetal position with his stiff sheets stuck to his skin, which was a bright shade of cerulean blue. (His death is attributed to the fact that heat rises, and that his window was missing.) His pre-mortem opinions were not unshared; in fact, one out of every two Alaskans harbors a deep resentment towards Connecticut, primarily because Connecticut beats Alaska at everything except killing Alaskans. (Recent Alaskan deaths may affect these figures.)

Basically, Connecticut is incredible. I can't remember what state has the saying "If you don't like the weather ... wait five minutes," but it should be Connecticut. Connecticut needs more sayings. Like:

"If you don't like the weather ... go to Alaska."

Or: "If you don't like the weather ... wait until winter gets here, then you'll be sorry, fool!"

Alaska has some good sayings, too. Their big one is:

"If you don't like getting mauled by a sled dog, well, that's just too bad, isn't it? You shouldn't have moved to Alaska."